itspoe
"pride 2018 / sexuality struggles" uploaded 7/7/18 @ 8:20pm • 750k views

so i've only ever done a video once before with this style of lighting and it was when i talked about the accident that killed my mum so... you know it's some serious shit. [laughs] i wanted to, um - i'm making this video because it's pride in the uk this weekend, and when i walked through paddington station today i saw all these people in glitter and it made me feel like part of a community for a second which is weird because that community... that community doesn't really know i'm part of it. and actually, i didn't even know i was part of it for sure until recently.


oh man, i should've written cue cards. i've got - i've got my poe's raven jumper on and it's a thousand degrees outside but it felt right to wear it for this. it feels like an important moment even if i'm not sure what that moment really is [laughs]. england have just won the quarter finals of the world cup and i felt really happy when i watched it. i just want to put that in here for context, because when i look back at this video in a few years i want to remember the day. i want to remember that i was in my studio in cornwall, and england had just won the football, and it was hot outside, and i was the idiot wearing a jumper in honour of my namesake even if i'm melting under these ring lights and you'll probably just watch me slowly dissolving in this video until i'm a puddle of disgusting goo. goo and beer, i've had a few beers this evening, that's probably partly why i'm making this.


okay, okay. here comes the serious stuff now. okay. [pauses] i'm bisexual. it was never a secret, i was never in any closet. this isn't a coming out video because i was never in. but i wanted to talk about it today, this weekend, because i finally feel like i know myself well enough to acknowledge it without changing my mind or backtracking. truthfully, i'm still a kid. and that's okay. i'm twenty one years old and i think there's so much pressure on people to grow up fast nowadays, all these labels we can pick and choose to apply to ourselves, but actually i didn't know what label applied to me and i didn't want to acknowledge it to you guys before - i didn't want to be unsure of myself before i talked about it. but with hindsight, you know... sexuality changes. it's fluid, and that's okay. the pressure i put on myself to make my mind up created this secretive shroud around my sexuality, and the truth is i hate that. i've hated that for a really long time.


the fact of the matter is, guys, i'm a virgin. i've never had a relationship, i've never had sex. up until this summer, i'd also never been in love, but that's all changed now and i can honestly tell you guys that it's the most gut wrenching, amazing, terrifying thing. love meant this video became so easy to make, because being in love with somebody made all the little pieces of my puzzle click into place and acceptance came really quickly after that. a part of me wondered before if i was faulty, broken somehow because i'd never managed to take any kind of friendship or relationship to the next level with either a man or woman, but i think i know now that this is the way it was supposed to be for me. love was meant to come to me this summer, summer 2018, when all my studies were out of the way and completed, and fuck my raw heart over so i could enter autumn and winter 2018 a hardened asshole. i hear women love those. [laughs]


i know you'll all be wanting to know who this person is but - they know how i feel about them, this video won't come as any surprise, but we're not together or anything. i promise as soon as i rope some poor bastard into being my boyfriend or girlfriend, you guys will be the first to know. i don't keep big parts of my life private to you guys and you know that. but this person, unfortunately because of... uh, real life issues i guess - we have an expiry date. and that's okay. like i said, i think fate planned this for me and truthfully my heart's ten sizes bigger already so i hope that when i find something - when i find something more permanent, i'll be practiced already. i'll be able to recognise how it feels and i won't be intimidated by it. but even that... honestly, even that sucks to say at the moment because the idea of moving on is just - yeah, i don't know, i'm not going to think about it right now. denial is a great coping mechanism! [laughs]


anyway, the whole speculation thing has been getting me down lately. some of you felt like i owed you honesty, some of you didn't understand why i was trying to cover things up, some of you felt like i was taking my voice away from a movement that deserved it. i guess a lot of you figured there was something there, a story to tell, and i guess... here it is! there was no big trauma. i'm lucky, i'm really ridiculously lucky, my dad accepts me the way i am one hundred percent and my friends are all liberal warm hearts and i know most of you guys are the same way, so... i don't want to make it sound like it was so easy and breezy, because there was a lot of soul searching and questioning, but i had a sweet deal compared to the trauma some people are forced to go through just to accept their sexuality and be heard. and i will never, ever stop recognising and appreciating how lucky i am to have such a supportive family and friends. i hope that acceptance stories like mine carry on becoming more commonplace as the world becomes better and more tolerant and - yeah. yeah! that's it! thank you for listening and understanding. remember there's no shame in questioning yourself and taking time to figure things out. there's no shame in being a 21 year old virgin. and there's definitely no shame in doing things on your own timeline and in your own way. thanks, guys. love you all. until next time! [salutes, video fades to black, a beat of silence before poe's voice whispers into the microphone "by the way, it's coming home!"]